This is a photo of our cat. His name is Mimi and I’m sure you’ll agree, even if you’re not a cat person, that he’s absolutely adorable. The story of how Mimi became an integral part of our family is not an uncommon one. My older daughter is a cat person. She convinced my wife to buy Mimi without telling me and once he was with us it was too late to say no. My wife is not a cat person and I’m indifferent, but over time he stole both our hearts.
What’s the point of this story? Well cats are smart. They know how to slowly but surely win your affection. When it comes to building rapport with our fellow humans, we can learn from cats.
Many years ago I was attending a lunch organised by the British Chamber of Commerce in Hong Kong. People usually attend these events for two reasons: (i) to listen to an interesting speaker/topic, and (ii) to network and meet new people. I was sat next to an elderly gentleman from New Zealand who had been transferred to Hong Kong only a month earlier. He was the MD of a security company which employed guards for warehouses, offices etc. The company had lost ground to its competitors and he had been sent to turn things around.
He told me that his main challenge was the local management who were responsible for the company underperforming, many of which were 20 year company veterans. He needed to work out which ones to keep and which to let go, and given that the local management were all HK Chinese and spoke Cantonese in the office, he didn’t know where to start. I told him that I could help as I teach psychometric profiling and within 15 minutes with each of them, I could give a profile. He seemed interested.
I then had a thought and asked him if he’d like English speaking security guards since in Hong Kong, the level of English falls sharply when dealing with people below university degree level. He said he would love it, so I told him that I could help by putting the word out into the Nepali community through some of my staff. I thought I’d made him a great offer, but his response shocked me. He said “It’s been a real pleasure talking to you Neil, enjoy the lunch” and turned his back on me!
It took me some time to work out what I had done wrong: I had offered too much too quickly.
When we have a well established relationship with someone and they offer us something, we are more likely to accept it as a genuine offer without any catch. However, when coming from a stranger, we tend to be cynical; after all, there’s no such thing as a free meal. Clearly this gentleman from New Zealand was thinking “what does this guy expect in return if I take these offers?!”
Mimi would never have taken my approach. A cat takes its time to get to know a stranger and certainly never chases them. The approach is friendly but relaxed, making the target comfortable with them and developing the basis of a relationship.
If I had taken my time to get to know the New Zealander, I’m pretty sure I could have both profiled his management team and helped him hire English speaking security guards. Instead, my well intentioned but misplaced enthusiasm to help got the better of me and made him defensive; resulting in zero future interaction.
Building relationships take time. No matter how passionate you are about your product or service, remember that people who don’t know you are likely to react defensively to an over zealous pitch. If you want to develop a quality relationship, slow down, invest time and enjoy the results.
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