#12: Emotional Control and Effective Communication
Controlling our emotions can be incredibly difficult when we feel wronged. I would go as far as to say that emotional control is the holy grail of effective communication in difficult situations.
This can be bad enough at work, however in a family setting it is even worse; there is a line we cannot cross with workplace colleagues. This tends to temper the degree to which we lose emotional control – our colleagues can walk away and say something like “I don’t need to take that from you!” However, at home the line is more blurred as within reason, our family members will still be there after we have calmed down. This paradox results in us often being our worse self with the people we care about most.
There are many triggers I teach that can be used as levers to achieve emotional control and one of the simplest and most powerful is tone of voice.
I own a small but well-known spa chain in Hong Kong called Sense of Touch. We have been in business close to 20 years, and I have been involved in the spa and wellness industry since then, often as a speaker at global conferences. I have often spoken about the ‘spa persona’ when I teach at these conferences and if you have been to a spa you will know what I refer to. It’s when you enter the spa, leaving the hustle and bustle of your life behind for a few hours, and as the ambient music and smell of incense surround your senses, the receptionist with a smile and in a calm voice says “Welcome!”.
If you think about it, it’s genuinely difficult to lose your temper when you are consciously controlling your tone of voice. It’s also less likely that you’ll lose your temper with someone who is calm in front of you (possible, but less so).
The solution to emotional control is therefore very simply to practise controlling your tone of voice.
This is easier said than done. When we have a rush of blood to the head due to a provocation from someone, our conscious control disappears. We revert to our usual way of dealing with a situation. Some people are naturally good at controlling their emotions, others less so. We know who we are! There is also a cultural bias here where some cultures from youth are taught to refrain from showing emotions externally (ie many Asian cultures), and others are learn to express themselves (ie Latin cultures). There is no right or wrong here, however there are differences.
So how do we get better at learning to keep conscious control of our tone of voice if this is something we don’t do well naturally?
There are two effective approaches I will share with you here:
(i) before entering a meeting or discussion that has the potential to ‘blow up’, stop for a moment and consider how you will control your tone of voice; and
(ii) buddy up with someone who can give honest and open feedback on how you are using your tone of voice.
There are others, however these are a good starting point. Good luck!
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Another great blog post Neil. A bit close to home for me so I obviously needed to read this one, thanks! ;-)