#143: Asking for Permission
The Communicate to Influence Blog
A few days ago I was having lunch with a fellow entrepreneur who is 3 years into an accelerator programme here in Dubai. We were sharing the trials and tribulations of running a business in these uncertain times (part of the reason I’ve been so quiet on this blog recently, though I accept that’s no excuse!), when he asked me “How are you with unsolicited advice?” Clearly he had some thoughts he wanted to share, but rather than launch into them, he asked permission.
As a trainer in communication, the significance of this was not lost on me. Most people will give you a piece of their mind whether you want it or not, and in so doing, increase the likelihood of a defensive response. By simply asking the question “How are you with unsolicited advice?”, he changed the dynamic.
My first response was to thank him for asking, and then to reassure him that I welcome any constructive feedback. While I like to think that this is indeed the case, if I’m honest with myself, it really depends how I feel and who the person giving the feedback is...
There are a small group of people I will always be ready to listen to because of the high esteem in which I hold them, and then there is everyone else that I may not be as responsive to. The fellow entrepreneur would have fallen into the second category as we do not know each other well however, by asking permission first and allowing me the option to listen, I was not only receptive to hearing what he had to say, but also genuinely interested.
The reason why we don’t want to hear the opinion of others, even when they may be right, is worth discussing because there are direct business (and personal) implications. There are of course genuinely good reasons why we may not want another’s advice, for example they may not know enough about the situation, it may be too personal, taking third party advice may be perceived as impacting our authority, or we may perceive them to be biased.
There is however, an overriding consideration which I believes captures whether or not we will listen to someone else: Have they earned the right to give us advice?
Each of us have people we trust and whom we know put our wellbeing before their own. Such individuals are few and far and we are likely to welcome their counsel. There are many people we know well and whom we respect however, that we don’t necessarily want advice from – even if they may be right. This is most definitely the case in the majority of business relationships where the “allowable” advise is limited to business related content. The people that have the most productive relationships with a client however, are the ones to whom the client is ready to listen; they have earned the right to be right.
Earning the right to be right takes time. It is strongly correlated to trust and the perception that we care about the other person. People differ in how quickly they will give their trust; for most of us it isn’t immediate and we need to see repeat consistency over a period of time before we offer someone our trust. There are however small things we can do to accelerate the process, and asking for permission is one of them.
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