The principle of matching and mirroring is one of the first principles taught in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming). It states simply that when people are in rapport, their body language starts to align. To an onlooker, they will appear to be in similar body positions which either mirror (ie as it would look in a mirror), or match (right side matches right side, left matches left which would be the inverse of a mirror).
This process is unconscious and holds true across language and culture which gives us a useful data point: if the person we are communicating with is in a similar body position to us, there is a high likelihood they feel rapport with us. There is of course the possibility that they are NLP trained and that their matching or mirroring body position is deliberate however, given that less than 0.1% of people are trained in and actively use these techniques, let’s discount this possibility for the purpose of this blog!
Some years ago, I was at a function where I was introduced to the Japanese ambassador to Hong Kong. Senior diplomats are highly trained communicators and likely to be part of the 0.1%. They know how to read another’s body language and are expert tacticians in how to disengage at a moment’s notice.
Our conversation was courteous and while I did not deliberately shift my body positioning to match or mirror the ambassador, I was aware that we were in similar positions which supported my impression that we were connecting well. After approx. 5 minutes however, I noticed the ambassador take a step back. When someone takes a step back it is often the prelude to disengaging – another useful data point.
So how do you respond in such a situation?
You have two options: (i) introduce a new piece of relevant/interesting information and try and reengage your target, or (ii) disengage first but on your terms. This may sound something like: “It’s been a pleasure meeting you, let’s exchange business cards so we can continue this discussion at a more opportune time”. This is vastly preferrable to chasing them for their contact details after they have already disengaged!
In my situation, I had a piece of relevant information which I had held back on using; my company had recently signed a deal with a manufacturer in Osaka and the owner frequently visited Hong Kong. The ambassador immediately stepped back in when I introduced this information and a business card, request for introduction and invitation to dinner at the ambassadorial residence swiftly followed – after which I disengaged rather than push my luck and overstay my welcome!
The principle is simple. Be aware of the body language of others as well as your own and look for signals that indicate interest or lack of interest. Structure your conversation content to give yourself the opportunity to reengage when necessary.
These two small steps can be the difference to being just another forgotten encounter and an invitation to dinner!
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