Some years ago a friend from Tokyo was visiting Hong Kong. We had arranged to meet for a drink and he told me an acquaintance, an American by the name of Leo would be joining us.
Leo was a 39-year-old American from Detroit who had made his money in the late 90’s as a teenager by being an early mover in e-commerce. My friend told me that Leo was worth somewhere between USD 500m-1bn and it was his first trip to Asia. Naturally I was intrigued to meet this super successful guy and learn what I could from him.
We passed about 2 hours playing pool in a bar on Wyndham Street however, every time I tried to pick Leo’s brain to learn the secrets of his success, he deflected the question and asked me about myself. I had thought that he would not be interested in my relatively normal expat life, yet for the best part of two hours he asked me questions about life as a Westerner in Asia. By the end of the evening, I had learnt little about him, but he knew all about me!
There are a number of valuable insights that I learned from this experience, and which I share with my students regularly. One of those insights is a quote that I believe is attributed to Tolstoy, however I’ve never been able to find the exact words linked to him, so let’s assume for the sake of discussion that it’s an inferred quote. The quote is: “the most important person in your life is the one in front of you right now”.
While of course I do not take these words literally; the most important people in most of our lives are our families, I do take the words very seriously when it comes to business and communication in general.
My family is not in front of me when I am in a business meeting. The stakeholder or client that I am facing should be my sole focus of attention and any deviation in my focus will directly impact my communicative effectiveness.
When I was with Leo, his attention was laser focused on me. I was the only important person in the room. It was quite unsettling and hugely complimentary at the same time. Indeed, after the event and upon some reflection, I concluded that while Leo may have got lucky stumbling on the internet in the 90’s, he was always destined for success because he was such a great communicator.
Whomever you are dealing with, enter the conversation with the view that this person is, for that moment in time, the most important person in your life. This approach to communication is a ‘mindset shift’ that can have a profound impact on your results. Such an attitude will guarantee that you are focused on your target, learning what you need to, and better able to address the situation. In turn, this increases your influence over the outcome enormously!
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Taking Neil's cornerstone idea one step further: empathy beats mere listening....