A few weeks ago a friend posted a quote on Facebook from a book she had recently read, “The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse” by Charlie Mackesy. She quoted on a specific piece of dialogue between the boy and the mole:
The mole to the boy: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
The boy to the mole: “Kind”
Her analysis of the dialogue quite correctly observed that in our professional life, we rarely target ‘kindness’ as one of our success metrics however, in effective leadership, kindness is a critical and highly underrated quality.
Let’s first dispel the myth that to be kind is to be weak. In the same way that empathy and making tough decisions are not mutually exclusive, neither are kindness and strength. I would suggest the exact opposite. To be able to make tough decisions while remaining empathetic and showing kindness requires great strength of character and communicative ability.
The link between empathy and leadership has long been known. Daniel Goleman, the author of the 1995 classic ‘Emotional Intelligence’ estimates that cognitive ability is only responsible for 15-20% of adult success. The difference that makes the difference is how we use empathy to communicate our opinions, decisions etc.
One approach I teach (and try to use!) to communicate and lead with empathy is ‘pacing current reality’. The concept is very simple and requires two steps:
1) observe the other sides reality and reference it, and
2) validate it to demonstrate you understand their position without giving any judgement.
This does not mean that you agree with the other side, it simply means that you hear them out. When we do this in a genuine manner (which includes appropriate tone of voice, facial expressions and orientation of our focus) we demonstrate empathy and kindness.
Think of this scenario from the perspective of the recipient: You are the team leader and have to give a difficult message. An urgent business matter has changed priorities and you need to cancel approvals for vacation days over the coming long weekend. A “cut and dry” approach where the situation is explained, a half-hearted apology offered, but no discussion entertained will get the job done and the team will accept it. Everyone is focused on hitting targets so they will swallow the inconvenience and do what has to be done. This would be the traditional, non-empathetic approach.
Alternatively, we first address the importance of family/vacation time and the plans that we personally had for the long weekend. We then reference how we understand the inconvenience what you are about to ask will cause, and that you will do all you can to make it up to those affected after the business matter has been concluded. You then deal with the business-end of the discussion. You deliver this message with a tone of voice and body language showing the sincerity in your message.
This format of pacing current reality shows compassion and kindness while remaining focused on the task at hand. Such an approach will usually help resolve conflict where a tough stance alone will fail.
Leading with empathy and showing kindness builds trust which in turn builds relationships and leads to lower churn. This latter comment on churn connects well with my friends’ closing in her post:
“It is about time that kindness is seen as an essential part of an organization’s DNA. Some have had it for years, and those are the ones that employees value and stay with for longer.”
Take a moment to consider the weighting of empathy and kindness in your leadership style and if you think you have room for improvement, try using pacing others reality.
*** I have recently started an Instagram account called “softskillsexpert” where I post short form videos, quick tips, useful quotations and other items if use related to soft skills. Please follow me on the following link! https://instagram.com/softskillsexpert?igshid=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==
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