The question “Where are you from?” is a standard ice breaker when meeting someone new, however for some people it’s not an easy question to answer.
This week I had lunch with a good friend of many years who has just relocated to Dubai as a result of the Russia-Ukraine war. He is of Ukrainian descent, holding a Russian passport. He speaks both languages fluently and has family in both countries. His wife is Russian and his children have a Ukrainian surname.
He told me when people ask him where he is from, he doesn’t know what to say. He then proceeded to describe how difficult his situation is currently and that he has family, friends and business associates in both countries. As he explained his situation, the pain and inner conflict were clear in his facial expressions, body language and tone of voice.
I offered my friend the following advice: “When you are asked that question, just say exactly what you said to me”.
In a difficult situation there is nothing more endearing to others, than to show some vulnerability and how the situation is affecting you.
When asked “Where are you from?”, rather than pausing awkwardly and having to decide on how he responds depending on who is asking, a heartfelt “That’s a really difficult question and I don’t really know how to answer it...” before expanding on the details, is likely to influence the perception of the asker more than what comes next. They may not agree with what is said, but they will understand why.
There is a communication principle within this story that can be a game changer when communicating difficult messages. In the 1999 best seller ‘Difficult Conversations’ written by Harvard professors Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen (with whom I studied in 2012), they talk about the ‘three conversations’ that are present in every difficult conversation. They call these the ‘What Happened’, ‘Feelings’ and ‘Identity’ conversations.
In most situations and especially in business, people focus only on the ‘what happened’ conversation; the project delay, running over budget, lack of responsiveness, too much dependency on third party contractors etc. Such discussion lead to self-justification, blame and a series or other generally unconstructive responses.
The problem is that often, the other two conversations; ‘feelings’ and ‘identity’, are not held despite being the ones driving the responses!
A detailed analysis of each of these conversations is outside the scope of this blog, however in summary, the feelings conversation relates to the connecting with your emotions and explaining to others how a situation is impacting you at an emotional level, while the identity conversation relates to factors such as self-esteem, self-confidence, and concept of self.
If we return to my friend, by opening with a comment reflecting the difficulty of the situation at a personal level for him and his family, he uses both feelings and identity conversations. This shows both vulnerability and strength and is very compelling in creating a connection with the listener.
So in summary, when you have to broach a difficult subject, don’t focus on the facts as they are unlikely to be driving your counterparts response. Connect at a personal level and you are far more likely to have a positive outcome.
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