Last month I took my 10-year-old daughter back to Hong Kong for the first time since we left 2 ½ years ago. I arranged a dinner/play date with one of her old school friends who brought her best friend from school along.
The gap between 7 and 10 years old is large in the development of a child, especially for females who tend to mature quicker than males. My daughter is still resisting growing up and despite being tall for her age she often acts a year or so younger than her age. Over the past 2 ½ years however, her friend and the other girl had developed into 10-year old’s going on 13; not only in attitude but also in dress. While my daughter turned up in a t-shirt and crocs, the other girls wouldn’t have looked out of place in a fine dining restaurant. The gulf that had developed over the years between the girls was immediately obvious.
The initial dynamics were not good. The girls’ father and I tried to engage them but the two girls turned away from my daughter, looked disparagingly at her and spoke to each other in Cantonese making it clear they didn’t want to be with her. While my daughter may be young for her age she is certainly not stupid, and she picked up on this immediately. From being super excited to meet and reconnect with her old school friend she turned inwards, buried her head in my side and started sobbing.
It was a horrible situation. I took her out of sight and sat her down to compose herself. Meanwhile I spoke with the father and said we could leave as I didn’t want to push the situation. We agree to try one last time and move to the restaurant where they would be sat together. I was desperate to help my daughter overcome this situation. It was clear she couldn’t do it alone. She neither had the social skills nor her usual confidence given what had happened.
Sat at the table, nothing changed. The two girls spoke to each other and ignored my daughter despite her being sat opposite them. I noticed they were wearing bracelets so I took off the evil-eye bead bracelet I wear that my daughter made for me, placed it on the table, and pointing to my daughter said “She made this, she has a bracelet business. Do you like bracelets?”
The mood of indifference disappeared in an instant. “You made this?”, “You have a business? That’s so cool!” , “How…?” Shortly after one of the girls asked if my daughter played Roblox and no sooner had they exchanged profile names the friendship reconnection was on track!
This is a great example of the power of uncovering commonality. I have written about this before however it’s so important, and this situation was so personal, that I wanted to return to it.
I believe that finding commonality between humans has the power to right the most difficult situations, far more than three 10 year olds not connecting. I teach this skill to my corporate clients as one of the most important principles in relationship building however, the application can be taken far beyond the office and sales pitch. In a world that currently seems hellbent on destroying itself, refocusing on the similarities that connect us rather than the differences that separate us is needed more than ever.
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Very cool blog this week Neil. I have been enjoying- and learning from!- all of them but for some reason I really enjoyed this one. Double like this week from me. 😊