“Our communication is the response we get”
This phrase was introduced to me by my NLP trainer, the late Tad James, in 2009 and has been one of the most influential sentences in my life. There are several ways to interpret these seven words. The most common is a literal interpretation; the response we receive from someone reflects how they interpret what we have said or done. This simple interpretation has consequences for how we interact with people.
How often have we said something expecting a positive response only to receive a less than overwhelming one? The great news you had for a team member about their pay raise or new assignment receiving a flat reaction. A suggestion to family members for weekend plans that you thought would be a hit and turn out to be a damp squib (especially with teenagers!).
In any such situation, the response we receive reflects not only the content of what we communicated, but how we communicated it. It is perfectly possible to get a different response from essentially the same content, but delivered in a different way.
For example, if I ask my 8 year old if she wants to go to bed in 15 minutes, she is likely to argue for longer than 15 minutes. If however I phrase my question “Would you like to go to bed now, or in 15 minutes?”, the likelihood of her agreeing to 15 minutes increases dramatically.
This technique is known as a ‘double bind’ and is sourced from the study of hypnotic language. This is just one example of how we can influence a response by changing the way in which we approach obtaining agreement. I will introduce many others over the course of this blog series, but for this particular post I shall return to our seven words and another important (and my favourite) interpretation of them.
“Our communication is the response we get” can also be interpreted around the concept of taking RESPONSIBILITY. When we take responsibility for our communication it’s a game changer. Some people think that communication is a 50/50 game; I am responsible for what I say and the other sides communication is for them to determine. This approach is extremely disempowering. We are giving up 50% of our influence before we start!
Communication is a game you have to play at 100%. We have to take responsibility for the response we get. When we don’t receive a favourable response, analyse what could have contributed to this result and make changes. Keep doing this until you start to see change. When we receive a good response don’t do what most of us do and simply move on; stop and analyse what it is that was said and how, and build a repository of best practises.
Taking control of our communication is not easy. It takes time and practise and even then will occasionally be hijacked by our emotions. Reminding ourself frequently that the response we receive is a function of how we communicate our message is a great starting point to playing at 100% in the communication game!
Fantastic
Very true