Last week I was in the Indian sunshine state of Kerala delivering an offsite for a client. We were staying at the beautiful Taj Bekal resort renowned for having some of India’s best beaches. Most of the guests were Indian though I did see a few Westerners in the resort.
On the first morning I met my client for breakfast. The breakfast menu had a wide range of offerings, both local and international. When the waiter came to take our order I asked for a potato dosa. A dosa is a Indian crepe, similar to a pancake, popular in South Indian cuisine. It is served hot with various accompaniments and is absolutely delicious.
Upon ordering a dosa, the waiter replied “omelette”. I replied “No, I’d like a dosa” to which he replied again “you want an omelette?”
My client looked at me and commented maybe it was my accent so confirmed for me that I indeed did want a dosa.
A minute later, the waiter returned to me and asked if I wanted an omelette. I said that I’d already ordered a dosa. Finally, after my dosa arrived and I was enjoying eating it, the waiter returned and asked again if I wanted an omelette!
The whole scenario was hilarious however it was nothing to do with my accent which is very mild - I left Scotland when I was only six years old. The waiter was clearly used to Westerners ordering omelettes and couldn’t process this foreigner insisting on eating the local cuisine at breakfast. I didn’t fit his stereotype.
Stereotyping can and does operate in any direction. When we find ourself in the minority, without any malintent, we may find ourselves being stereotyped against assumptions made by others. In today’s world this is very often taken negatively; a sleight on our culture, an intentional put down. While there is no doubt that often this is the case, I would suggest this is not the appropriate mindset to start with.
The waiter had no malintent towards me, he was only trying to preempt what I wanted based on his past experience (or possibly his training). If I had responded “how dare you assume that because I am from the UK I eat omelette?!”, I believe my response would have been inappropriate. However, all too often people take comments that do not come from a place of harm and create an issue. This brings us to the key message I want to focus on in today’s blog and that is “intent”.
Intent is invisible however we usually make assumptions on others intent instantaneously. Often the assumptions we make are biased in our own favour and tainted with our own stereotypes. This is not a criticism, it’s a natural and understandable tendency however, that doesn’t make it right. As difficult as it is to do, if we can approach each interaction as a clean page and allow it to write itself, this will transform our communication and our relationships.
Ask questions, listen and be curious why someone would say or do something before coming to your judgement. You may have been right and the person in front of you is indeed a bigot that you should stay clear off however, often that will not be the case and a new perspective, relationship or learning could be just around the corner.
After all, not all Westerners eat omelettes..